The Genius Mind Remembers American History: Part 1 - Petticoats and Pilgrims

For all you lovers of America and History.

The Genius Mind Remembers American History: Part 1 - Petticoats and Pilgrims

This series is a revised and expanded version of my original short series: "A Student's Version of American History" (retitled as I'm no longer a college student, but would rather like to continue this series).

Opening Disclaimer: I confess that I will be very nonfactual in this description of our great nation, and a bit nonsensical. Almost no part of this rambling tale has been fact-checked, intentionally, with the exception of maybe a few dates and other inconsequential details. Don't reference me for your history paper, but if you do, let me know what grade you get.

Part 1 - Petticoats and Pilgrims
For hundreds of years, there was a kingdom. A kingdom on an island. An Island close to the edge of known civilization.

Five-Score and Fifteen years prior, a stupid man who thought the earth was a lot smaller than it was "discovered" inhabited islands in a new continent that turned out not to be Asia. We'd give the guy a break but he turned out to be not so good of a guy, and not so good of a governor. He kinda killed a lot of people. But this story isn't about him, the country he was from, or the country he sailed for.

The kingdom, on an island, close to the edge of known civilization, began to reach out and try to take over the world. It was called "England" after "Angle Land" because everyone was a square (un-hip, not cool, thinking inside the box). I mean big time. It was totally improper to even think of seeing a fine lady in her petticoat (her lounge-wear / underwear). Squares, most of them. But really, most people were in those times.

Now comes James 4/1. Yes, he has two numbers because he was twice king, fourth James for Scotland and first for England. Five-Score and Fifteen years after dumbass "I swear it's Asia, you guise!", in 1607, James May-First (is what I'll call him) sent people to settle on the mainland of North America (named for a map-maker called Amerigo, not anyone presently discussed. History is weird, y'all).

So: 1607, Englanders grab some land, call it their own, and start with the killing of people who were there first. No big deal, if you have a gun and they don't, it's called "Colonization" not "Mass-Murder." Now, if they fight back, it's "Savage Raids" not "Self-defense." See how language conspires with prevalent culture?

Around this time, James 4/1 also starts cracking down on religion in the home country. "Freedom of Belief" within a civil government was a concept that wouldn't exist for a while.

But, during this time in the mother country, there was a group of people that were the biggest squares of all. These guise were of the mindset that logic and science were for the 'heathens', and that the real rules of life were from god. But the substance of these rules conflicted with the state church. They got it into their head that everyone else was filthy bad, since all of those other guys were thinking about women in their petticoats. For shame! These were the separatist puritans. So, they decided to separate from the state church.

So these puritans decided to move away (and now call themselves Pilgrims). And where to go, but Holland? Now, I mean, you've probably heard of Amsterdam's Red-light district, right? Well, it was pretty much the same. Here's how I see it going down.

Pilgrim husband: "Honey, we need to get away from all of this sin in England. Where shall we go?"
Pilgrim wife: "Ooooh, how about Holland? I hear they have neat Tulips there!"
Husband: "Holland, huh? Let's go to Amsterdam then. Let me change all my coins into bills for the strippe- I mean for the street-fairs, he he he."
Wife: "I've always wanted to go to Amsterdam. I'm so curious to see the Dyk- I mean dikes, he he he."

Well, obviously, these zealous pilgrims got tired of the sex and the depravity and moved, right?

No! They decided to move, get this, their kids were learning to speak Dutch.
Yeah, kids growing up near shipping ports with little supervision, close to the sailors and bar wenches and street-walkers? That's fine, but god forbid they speak *gasp* Dutch! So in 1617 these fine logical good christians decided to move away from the Netherlands.

And they decided to return to England. But by now, King James May-First, and basically everyone else, was fed up with these guise. Total buzz-kills, the lot of them. Tell us not to think of women in their petticoats, will they?

So the King says "Yeah, no. I'm gonna persecute you and make you be good and nice Anglicans again so you can stop getting on our cases about the petticoats."

In response, the Pilgrims say "Well, we've heard about a land far away, where no one has even heard  of petticoats. So, there will be no petticoat-thinking there." In reality, there was a lot of planning, and years of bureaucracy, but eventually, they got approval to "just go away, get the hell out, go to goddamn america."

So they did. They got on boats, and sailed. And sailed, and sailed, and sailed. And many months later, they sailed, and sailed, and sailed. Geez. Crossing the ocean with wind power sure takes a long time.

And then, they hit land, and subsequently established the first colony in... wait, what? The pilgrims weren't the first colony? No, remember those people in 1607. These idiots decided to flee their home country to a new continent to start a new life. They just happened to choose a continent that had already been colonized by their old home country.

But at least there were no petticoats to look at.